Push through the fog

I remember a couple days after Logan passed going to the mall to pick out our outfits for the funeral, something you would think would be so simple turned into an emotional, bitter experience for me. It was the week of Thanksgiving and I looked around me and saw couples holding hands, families eating and laughing together, and the joy of the holidays in everyone’s faces, I remember in that moment being a little bit angry and bitter towards them. How can the world continually be moving forward when mine has come to a complete stop, how can so many people be around me and yet I feel so alone? Shopping used to be something that I loved to do and would look forward to, but this particular shopping trip was not that, it was emotionally and physically draining for me. We walked through a few stores and at one point I just sat on the floor because I couldn’t stand any longer, all I wanted to do was crawl up in a ball and cry.

The whole first year it was as if I was living in a fog, almost as if I was watching my life from a far. I had moments of clarity here and there, but so many times I would just be going through the motions. I joked and  used the term “widow brain” all the time to my family or friends when they caught me just staring off or I would forget things I never would have before. My mind was on overload and I was numb, just going through the motions not aware of what was going on around me, just trying to take the emotions as the would come day by day.  

People would tell me just make it through the first year, once you have made it through that you can make it through anything. I feel like that isn’t the case, sure some things can get easier but it’s because I know better how to deal with the emotions when they hit me. I have read the 5 stages of grief many times:

1.Denial and Isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Before, I had no idea that there is no ending to those stages. I have reached stage 5 of acceptance many times, and yet sometimes things trigger me to go back to all the beginning stages. The fog however, has lifted and I am able to start to dealing with the loss without the “widows brain” and without just going through the emotions of grief. It’s a breath of fresh air to finally surround myself with people and realize that their presence is there and actually lean on them when I need to, I am just grateful they are there for me even through my Zombie grief stage lasted longer than I expected. I have lost a few people on the way through the fog, but it just makes me appreciate the ones that are still here.