Things Out Of My Control

I have learned a lot about myself over the past couple years, one of those things I didn’t realize is how much I value having control over certain things. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that I am a control freak, I just like having things organized and be able to determine certain outcomes in my life.  When Logan passed away, that was one of the biggest things I had to let go of.

From day one of Logan’s passing I have worried about my kids first, my feelings second. With Brody he was so young when everything happened, I wasn’t worried about him having a hard time dealing with the pain of losing Logan. I worried more with him about not remembering him, and knowing that he wouldn’t remember that special bond the two of them shared. When Brody was born he became Logan’s little buddy and was instantly a daddy’s boy, even at a young age he was obsessed with his dad and would always want him. He pulls these cheesy smiles and has these little quirks that remind me so much of Logan that it’s bittersweet for me to see. I try so hard to show him pictures of the two of them so he can remember him, but my biggest fear is he won’t remember him.   

With Brynnlee I was so concerned on how this would affect her now or even in her future. She is very smart and doesn’t think like a normal 6 year old does, she is constantly asking me questions about Logan that I honestly don’t even know the answer for myself. She is very good about bringing any questions, or concerns which I love, she just usually waits until our car rides together to ask them and it catches me off guard. She has her good days and sometimes her really hard days where you can tell it hurts her. She has been very open with me about Parker and if it’s okay to call him dad or if it’s even okay to talk to him about her dad. It’s been hard to watch her form that relationship with him, it’s come so naturally but has been and continues to be a slow growing process for her.  She loves Parker and has never had issues there, it’s more just letting him discipline her she struggles with. They are starting to get to the point where she can talk to him about things she tells me also and I love that they are able to have that kind of relationship. I have been able to record some of the conversations in the car we have had, they are heartbreaking to me as a mom but sweet at the same time.

These are the moments that I realize things are out of my control. I can help Brody remember his dad and show him pictures, but I cannot continue their bond and unfortunately he won’t get to experience the things he needs to with his dad by his side. I cannot take away the pain and confusion Brynnlee has, I can only talk her through it and comfort her. As a mom you want to shield your children from every possible heartbreak and tragedy, but some things are just out of your control. No matter how helpless it makes me feel, I have realized I can’t fix it, I can only try to help them through it the best way I can. Hopefully that will be good enough for them, and I will be enough to help them learn and grow from this experience as best as possible.