1st Angel Birthday

Our Little Angel Beckham,

 I can't believe it's been a year since we held you in our arms, yet other days it feels like eternity. I have replayed June 22nd and June 23rd in my mind every single day for the past year. The emotions of finding out you had gained your wings are still so raw and fresh that makes it impossible to forget the emotions we felt that day. 

 I don't think I could ever forget the nurses desperately trying to find a heartbeat and the doctors face as he confirmed my biggest fears. The sound of devastation in your dads voice when I called him, the tears and yelling "why" as we tried to process what we were just told. I will never forget praying and begging that they were wrong and that I wouldn't have to face a delivery knowing that I would never get to see you alive again. I will never forget the feeling of driving home and looking at my stomach that looked exactly the same as the day before, knowing your spirit was no longer there. I will never forget telling your brother and sister that they would no longer get to play with you or see that bond and watching their hearts break in two. I will never forget walking in your nursery to get your stuff ready and realizing this is our only chance to ever pick out your clothes and dress you. I will never forget walking into the hospital knowing that the next time we left this place, we would have empty arms.  I will never forget fighting back the tears and trying to be strong to be able to participate in your birth regardless how badly I didn't want to. I will never forget seeing you and holding you for the first time checking to see if you were really gone. I will never forget running my fingers through your curly dark hair. The way your long chicken legs and body barley fit as I cradled you in my arms. I will never forget counting every one of your fingers and toes and trying to remember what it felt like to hold. Memorizing every inch of your face so I could see what features looked like who. I will never forget the peace and overwhelming love I felt for you as I held your perfectly still body in my arms. Seeing the love for you when your dad, grandparents, brother and sister holding you for the first time. I will never forget having to tell you goodbye as we handed you over to the funeral home knowing that would be one of the last intimate times we would see your body again. Leaving the hospital and the hurt I felt coming home to your empty nursery.
I will never forget the triggers and pain this past year trying to navigate through life without you in it. The feeling I had been punched in the stomach with every sleeping baby, baby shower, and pregnancy announcement. Answering the question  "how many kids do you have", or hearing another child with your name.I will never forget the patience and faith it took to get through each day regardless of how badly it hurt, or desperately looking for signs everyday to show that you were still near. 

Our dear sweet boy, you touched so many lives that day and continue to do so even though you are no longer physically with us. We gladly will never forget the pain and hurt of that day to remember your spirit, peace, and love we felt for you that day. We wont forget any of the lonely hard days that followed to keep your memory alive, and prove that just because you aren't here doesn't mean you didn't exist. We continue to try to sort through the triggers, and all the emotions that we feel without you. Instead we try to focus more on what kind of baby you would be, what would be your first words, what you would look like, and what you are doing on the other side. We will never forget you or the impression you left on us, and strive everyday to make you proud and be able to make it back to you. You are just so special to us, that we will never and could never forget.
 Happy Birthday our angel, please keep watching over us and give your sister a big hug from us. We love you and miss you so much!