Funeral

The morning of the funeral I felt so sick, I don’t know if I was just nervous or sick from not eating, maybe even a little bit of both. I knew I would really have to say goodbye to him today and I just wasn’t ready for something like that yet, then again I never would be ready to say goodbye and didn’t really have a choice. My friend Sami came over and did my hair for me, last time she did my hair it was for my wedding and engagements, and here we were 2 ½ years later doing it for my husband’s funeral. I got dressed into my black dress and started getting Brody in his little suit and Brynn in her beautiful black and white polka dot dress. I couldn’t fight back the tears, just a couple weeks earlier Logan was there helping me get the kids ready for church telling Brody how handsome he was and Brynn how beautiful she looked, she always wanted his final approval on every dress she would put on. It seemed like this week’s routine was no different than the usual weeks before but instead the little things like just getting the kids dressed in their Sunday clothes made me hurt. It’s crazy how badly I took the “normal” everyday things for granted.

            We headed over to the church and I when I walked in and saw the casket I had to brace myself again. At least I knew this time what to expect, but still didn’t get any easier seeing him that way. The family viewing came, and more and more people kept showing up just like the night before. I started to get anxiety when I saw that the line had pretty much stopped because I knew that it was time for the services to begin. I ended up letting Brody see Logan because I knew he wouldn’t really be negatively affected by it. When I brought him up there he didn’t even look down into the casket he pointed behind it and said Dada Dada, the veil is so thin for him that he was able to see that his daddy was there watching throughout the whole thing.  I watched as my family and Logan’s said their last goodbyes, trying to figure out what I wanted to say. I walked up to him and lost it all over again, I cried and asked him how he could do this to us? I told him I loved him and was so sorry for taking the time I had with him for granted, I asked him to watch over me and the kids and to help give me strength to be a good mom. I begged him to never let us feel alone and that he will show me some way that he is watching over us, I thanked him for the wonderful husband and father he was and told him I will do everything I can to make sure the kids and I make it back to him. I watched as they closed the casket with the teddy bear Brynn and Brody gave him and the lanyard with pictures around its neck. It felt as if someone was ripping my heart out of my chest, it was all so real to me in that moment and I felt so helpless all I wanted to do was run in a corner and cry I didn’t want to face anymore pain. As we walked into the chapel I was amazed at how many people had showed up, it was really touching to see so many people cared. All the brothers and dads did a wonderful job speaking, I don’t really remember it very much I kinda just stared at the casket and zoned out. I do remember Brynnlee and my nieces singing I am a child of god, it was so sweet and probably my favorite part of the whole service. My cute little niece Shay was sitting next to me and was crying and having a really hard time, and Brynnlee just rubbed her back and told her everything was going to be okay. I couldn’t believe her strength, she was able to comfort her cousin and ended up being able to take a nap during the service, I knew because of what Logan had told her the day before  she was able to do that.

            By the time we got to the cemetery I just kinda was done with it all, I was so emotionally exhausted and had no more tears that I didn’t even cry. While I was standing there as the brothers, dads, Renny, Derek, and Brandon carried Logan to his grave, I realized how incredibly blessed I am. I knew that I would NEVER have to worry about the kids not having that male role model in their life. Who else is blessed enough to have 4 incredible grandpas. Two amazing dads, and 7 wonderful brothers in their life, to help me along the way. Let alone the strong amazing women in my life. My pain turned to gratitude when I saw the family and friends surrounding us. When we let off the balloons I heard duck calls in the background and it made me smile, I got out Logan’s duck calls that he gave to Brody and had him stand by the casket and blow his. I knew that Logan would be happy with how the day turned out and that he was watching over it all. I said my one last goodbye, and I was no longer attached to Logan’s body, I didn’t feel the connection there. I could feel him more at my house and with my kids then at the cemetery.

            My sweet ward put together a really great luncheon. I remember laughing with my family and friends and it felt so good just for a hour to not have to worry about the past week and that I could just enjoy the company of them all. I finally was able to eat and keep something down and got some of my energy back. I remember once we got home looking and my parents and taking a deep breath and saying now what? I was so relieved that we had made it through that LONG week, but was scared for everyone to move on with their lives.