Glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel

I have been dreading this post and topic in general for awhile now, and that topic is dating. After I met Logan and we got married I took a sigh of relief that I would no longer have to ever go through the dating game again. I have never liked dating and seeing my friends and their experiences at the time I was grateful that I found my eternal companion so quickly. After Logan passed away the thought really hadn't crossed my mind because I had so many other things going on. Eventually I had to start moving forward in my life, and dating again was just another part of that step for me. I have dated several guys since then and each one had their own funny/weird/embarrassing story it seemed like. Dating while still being "married" and mourning the loss of your husband is awkward and confusing. Sometimes I wonder what in the world was I thinking and is it too soon?

Before Logan passed away we had a conversation about what we would do if one of us passed away. I jokingly told Logan that I would haunt his new wife the rest of their life and that I wouldn't want someone else raising my children.  In which Logan's reply was "if I die I would want you to get remarried and would understand that you need to do what you need to do". Well at the time I looked at him like he was crazy,  but now I am grateful for that conversation and that I know what I'm doing isn't wrong. Unfortunately life moves on whether we want it to or not. I have heard many different opinions on me dating and that it is too soon or just wait until the year mark. But really what's so magical about a year from when he died to now? Sure more time would have gone by, but that doesn't mean I don't love Logan or miss him any less. It's so incredibly hard to go from being married and having someone to come home to every night and spend time with after you put the kids to bed, to putting the kids to bed by yourself and rolling over to the empty pillow and space in the bed. Sure I have two beautiful kids, and amazing friends and family but there's still always going to be the loneliness of that aspect for me. I'm not saying I'm going to run off and get married to fill the void of Logan by any means, but at least I see some sort of light at the end of the seemingly dark tunnel that has been my life for this past 9 months. I will always love Logan more than I will ever love anyone and I will get to be with him again some day, but for now I know that he would want me to find happiness again.