Dreams

After Logan passed away I heard so many times that he would always be with me and my kids and help guide me through life. I truly believe that, but it just wasn’t happening the way I thought it would. Several people did get that and had cool experiences with him through dreams and other things, and that left me confused and a little frustrated. I was glad that they were having these experiences but was feeling a little selfish and jealous I guess you could say. I couldn’t understand why he would leave me alone at a time that I needed him more then ever. I know that wasn’t the case and he was comforting me through other people but I just wanted so badly to feel him. I would spend nights crying and begging for him to tell me where I am supposed to go from here or why was I being tested in this way, and would never feel like I would get an answer. The night he died my I tried to sleep but every time I closed my eyes I would have dreams about finding Logan dead in the water and it left me traumatized. After that night I stopped dreaming or remembering my dreams, which was probably a blessing in disguise because otherwise I never would have gotten any sleep.

       That was the case until the night after Chad’s funeral, I remember coming home completely emotionally exhausted and numb. I said one of the most heartfelt prayers I have ever said in my life begging for some sort of sign that he is here with me, I remember feeling like someone was next to me hugging me and comforting me while I went to sleep. When I was asleep I had a dream about Chad. I was in a dark corner of a room by myself just crying, all of the sudden I saw Chad walk up to me and put his arm around me. It was Chad in a light I have never seen before, he looked so happy and different. He wouldn’t stop smiling at me, I remember looking over at him saying stop smiling Chad this isn't funny, how could you do this to us. He looked at me and said I am so happy Tasha, I never knew this degree of happiness until now so that’s why I just cant stop smiling. He just kept telling me how incredibly sorry he was and that they didn’t mean for this to happen. I asked him where Logan was and why he hasn’t been there to comfort me? He said to me, Tasha he is hurting too and just isn't ready to see you yet. He does love you and is still with you, but both of you aren't ready for that so he is using other people to help you. I woke up for one of the first times feeling peaceful and happy.  I don’t know if that was really Chad or if it was my self conscience but it felt too real to ignore, and brought me the peace I had been looking for.

        A couple months had gone by and I went to the temple with my friends, thinking to myself again this is where I would feel him or get some sort of sign from him. All through Initiatories I was sitting in there and I kept feeling Chad and having a certain scripture come to my mind. I am no scriptorian so I had no idea what that scripture was but just kinda pushed it out of my mind. We went to the celestial room afterwards and I just opened up the scriptures and there was that same scripture that had come to my mind before; D&C 138: 48-60. I got tears to my eyes as I read it. I haven't ever read this scripture before but it was just another answer to my prayers of what Logan was busy doing and what I was supposed to be doing next. I didn’t think that is was a coincidence that I felt Chad in the temple that day and why it was that scripture that coming to my mind.

       Up until this month I really hadn't had or remembered anymore dreams, but then started having these nightmares where Logan would come back to life. They would seem real and he was upset with me, Its one of those dreams where it is that person but it isn't them. I would wake up and roll over to tell him I am sorry and realize that he wasn’t really there. I had these about three nights in a row and it was awful, so again I prayed that I would be able to get a good night sleep and not have to wake up the way I did the past couple nights, and luckily hadn't had another one since.

         Finally this past week I was started to get anxiety with the year mark coming up and just the stresses of life I had gone to bed upset and had cried myself to sleep. When I was asleep I had a dream about Logan, this time it wasn’t a sad dream and it was like the dream with Chad where it was Logan in a way I had never seen him before. In my dream I remember going throughout my day and I would look over and he would just be standing there in the distance looking at me and smiling, at one point I asked my friend if she saw anything or am I just imagining it and they said they didn’t see anything. I never said anything and he didn’t say anything to me with words we just stared at each other, he was telling me just by looking at me that he loved and that everything would be okay. His smile was so comforting and made me feel safe. It was an answer I had been waiting for, for almost a year and it couldn’t have been better timing. I woke up smiling and felt peaceful and a sign of relief.