New "normal"

As the year of "firsts" without Logan and Chad come to an end I cannot believe it's been that long. I feel like a completely different person then I was before. This past year I have felt pain, sadness, and emotions I never knew even existed. I have had days where I just couldn't function, I couldn't sleep, eat, and just wanted to lay in bed and cry. I hate to admit it but I have cried and asked why me, why would God trust me with this trial, and why does life have to be so unfair. I have been bitter, angry, sad, happy, grateful, depressed all in one day. I have been stronger then I ever knew I could be but also weaker then I ever thought I was. I have made it through birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, weddings, funerals, Brody's first words, walking, and seeing Brynnlee grow up into a mini mom and beautiful strong little girl, and just made it through everyday life without him here. I know for a fact that without faith and the love and support I have had that there is no way I could have done so. 

I know I still have such a long ways to go, and just because it's been a year doesn't mean the sadness and pain will go away. I just know that it can only get better from here, and that I know I'm strong enough to do it. I feel like this past year I have been tested beyond what I thought was possible, I have made mistakes, lashed out, and have regrets, but I can finally say that I am grateful for the lessons I have been taught. I'm not the same person and never will be but I feel like it's given me a chance to shape who I want to be from this expierence and choose what path to take from here. Like I said, I know I still have a long road to go and will mess up and continue to make mistakes, but feel like there will be some great blessings ahead for me and my kids if I make the right choices. So from here I will continue to take it day by day and see what Heavenly Father has in store for me.