Letter To Heaven

Logey Bear,

You always loved when I called you that ;)

It has been two years of learning, accepting, growing, and understanding since you left. I know it’s not your fault, but I still can’t help but feel like I have been robbed from time with you somehow.

You left, the life I was comfortable in and the future I once looked forward to with you quickly diminished in front of me. Everyone says that you are in a better place now and not to worry about you. I'm not worried, I am sure you are doing amazing things right now and where you are now is breathtakingly beautiful and something we can't even comprehend, but while you are in that amazing place, I have had to try to pick up the pieces and show the kids even though there is sadness and hard times that here too is beautiful things and people in this world. You left and so much chaos surrounded our life with a lot of questions and asking asking why? 

I miss your perfect warm smile, your goofy laugh, your "what the freak" reactions to all the pranks I played on you, and your inability to ever get angry or mad at me, instead all you would say is "oh sweetie". 

I miss you, the kids miss you.

Brynnlee is resilient, but doesn’t understand why she can sometimes feel you, but still cannot see you anymore. She asks often why things can’t just go back to the way they were before, or why something like this had to happen to you. It has forced her to grow up, she has completely taken Brody under her wing , I am in awe everyday with the relationship they have. She constantly worries if I am sad or if I am having a hard day, She has told me so many times “mom,  you got to have bad days, so the good days will come” .  It has caused her little testimony to grow and have a better understanding of the next life. She really appreciates the times she misses you the most of the sweet dreams she has, or just the calming feeling she gets. I know those times are you, and I am grateful for that.

Brody knows you but doesn’t remember you like we do.  When you first were gone Brody acted like you never left. You could tell he just knew more than we did, at night he would stay up smiling and talking to you as if he could see you standing there with him watching over him, until you knew he was okay. Now when I ask him where you are he says “daddy Logan died, he is in heaven now” . The older he gets and the more time that goes by I can see him slowly forgetting how you were with him, we show him videos of you and he said no that’s baby Brody’s daddy not this Brody’s daddy. I'm glad he doesn't have to hurt like Brynn and I, but I wish he could remember the way you loved and cherished him with the bond you shared. He has your cheesy smile, and weird little facial expressions you used to make. He is such a smart little boy, and I wish you were here to laugh with us and watch him grow. You would be so proud of the both of them.

I regret so badly not cherishing the time I had with you, not saying I love you enough, not showing you enough how much you mean to me. I wonder everyday what you would have said to me, or what I would say to you, if we were able to say our goodbyes. You left so tragically and unexpectedly, it left me with so many unanswered questions. So many people have felt you so strongly in their lives and have so many experiences with you spiritually. I found myself confused as to why you wouldn’t send me some sort of answers or just some sign that you are still here. Instead the answers I got were that you weren’t ready to talk to me yet and don’t know what to say to me. I have been told I haven’t been open enough to it, I’m not paying attention. For me it’s none of those things, besides the fact that it has taught me to have patience, understanding, independence, and acceptance. I have to accept the things I cannot change, patience and faith that the timing isn’t right, understanding that I might never know the answers, and independence to move forward. It has been shown to me through countless number of blessings I have received, through the children I have, friends and my family that have never left my side, that I perhaps don’t deserve.  I wonder if you were to knock at my door if you would even recognize me anymore. I have changed so much since you knew me before.

I have so much to thank you for while you were here, but even more so since you have been gone. I know you had a hand in bringing such an amazing man into our life, since you can’t be here for us anymore. You knew just when and who we needed, and he has brightened up mine and the kids’ lives. Although we miss you every day, he helps ease some of the pain. 

   The more I move forward in life, the further I feel from you and our life before. Some of these changes are bad and others are good, regardless change is not easy, but it is necessary to continue to heal, I have fought to hang on and fought to let go. Because of you I have learned how to survive and to have faith for the future. We will never move on from losing you, but will continue to move forward keeping your memory alive. Thank you for what you have taught me and continue to teach me, we will always love and miss you. until we meet again..
XOXO
-Natasha