Love, Mommy

I figured I would do a post with our talks we did at Beckham's graveside so we would always be able to go back and read them, also so those who weren't able to make it could be able to read them.
"My sweet baby boy, we were so excited to meet you from the minute we found out we were pregnant with you. Your sister was hoping you would be a sister, your brother was hoping you would be a puppy, but either way you were all they talked about for the past 8 months. Brynn couldn't wait to hold you and cuddle you, but most of all be the boss of you. Brody couldn't wait to play superheroes and "dress ups", he was even willing to give up some attention for you. Your dad was excited to fix your first car with you, play superheroes with you, teach you how to play sports, and learn the newborn stage with you. He even told me he would change every poopy diaper you had.. okay I may have made that one up, but either way he wouldn't have cared. I couldn't wait to finally hold you in my arms, love and care for you, watch you take your first steps, hear you say mama and dada, mostly watch you grow. Not being able to do any of those things is the hardest part of it all. I just wanted so badly to be your mommy. The more I have thought about it, the more I have realized I did get to be your mommy. I got to feel you kick, even if it was every night when I finally fell asleep. I got to see you suck your thumb, hear your heartbeat, and watch how much you grew each week. When I first laid eyes on you, you were more beautiful than I ever imagined. I couldn't believe I was so lucky as to ever be your mommy, you were absolutely perfect. You brought us more peace in the couple hours of holding you, then I have ever felt in my entire life. I truly felt as if I was holding a piece of heaven in my arms. All my angry/sad feelings of why me, turned into grateful honored feelings of why me? How could I be so lucky as to hold such a perfect angel in my arms. I just wish we could have held onto that moment forever. What a comfort it is knowing that even though we cant hold you anymore, you are in the arms of our Heavenly Father, and the first time you opened your eyes that Heavenly Father and Jesus is who you saw. As your mom I have just always wanted the best for you, and knowing that is where you are and how breathtakingly beautiful it must be, is the only comfort to me of not having you here.
I found this poem by Wendy Silva called "Heaven Will Hold You":
Your spirit was brought to us from a wish made of love,
we couldn't believe it when we'd realized we'd been blessed from above.
In my womb you were growing slowly, but I found peace knowing you were there,
then came the tears of loss and I wanted to know how life could be so unfair.
I had to realize that because you were so special, God needed you more than I.
it helps me when I feel his loving hands wipe away my tears as I cry.
I know that someday we'll be together again, but for now I'll keep you in my heart,
know that I love you more than words can say and that god will protect you while we're apart.
Mommy loves you so much little guy, I can't wait to hold you in my arms again, and for all of us to be a family forever. "


Love, Mommy