Graveside Service

We followed behind the car where our sweet baby was in, the funeral directors were so thoughtful and told us they were going to drive their regular car and hold his casket so we didn't have to see his little casket in such a big hearse. We pulled up to the cemetery and seeing all of our family and close friends waiting for us just made me lose it. I just couldn't believe I was seeing all of them again like this, it brought back so many emotions of pain and hurt, yet I felt so much love and support. Before I got out of the car I said a little prayer that we would be able to make it through the funeral, even though I just wanted to go home in my bed and curl up in a ball. The service started and surprising I felt so much peace during that hour we were there. I was able to somewhat get words out and say what I wanted to say to Beckham, and was able to hold myself together while Parker spoke, and the kids sang. I kept looking over at Brynn and she was sobbing, it completely broke my heart. At Logan's funeral I remember looking over at her at the church and she was comforting her cousin who was crying, this time was just so different. She is the strongest little girl I know, and so it was so hard to see the hurt and pain she felt. I felt so guilty, being her mom, I'm supposed to protect her and be able to shield her and yet again I felt so incredibly helpless. Despite all the sadness she felt, she still was able to sing "I am a child of God" with Brody and her cousins, it was the sweetest thing and brought such an amazing feeling to the service. Parker did such an amazing job on his talk, I remember being so proud of him and know that Beckham was too. At the end of his service, the bishop said something that I will never forget. He said "before he came down to this earth, Beckham chose you as his parents". It made me feel so good, and so grateful that such a perfect little boy wanted to come down to our family and chose us of all people to be his parents. If it was the plan for him to come down and get a body, as much as I wish it wasn't and he could be here with us, I'm just so grateful that I was the one who got to carry him and be his mom to experience the short time he had here on this earth.