Meeting Baby Beckham

We checked in and they led us down to room 14 which was the last room at the end of the hall. We get to the door and there was a picture of a red rose on the door. That meant that was the sad room, to prepare whoever was coming into the room. We walked in and it felt so dark and gloomy. I saw the baby scale and the incubator and I felt so scared. Everything looked just the same like it would for any other normal delivery, yet it felt so different. I told Parker that I just didn't want to do this, I wasn't strong enough to do it. He held me and told me he would hold my hand every step of way and that we would do it together. He asked me to promise him I would be okay, he told me he couldn't handle if something happened to me and that we have to stick together, we both were so scared. I am so glad I had him and our parents there it made me feel safe at the same time. It was 6:00 pm on 6.22.15 when they started my pitocin and we all just sat and waited. About an hour later the doctor came in to break my water, the nurses started whispering something to each other about something they saw. I hated the whispering I wish they would have just told me, we heard one of them say that when they broke my water Meconium (baby poop) came out with it. I started crying it made it all so real to me, that was just another sign that he wasn't there. They came in and gave me the epidural and told me they wanted to make me as comfortable as possible so if I felt any discomfort they would give me a stronger dose. It was about 6 hours of them checking me with not much change and the epideral started to wear off, so they gave me the second dose. The nurse said things were finally progressing just slowly so told me to try to take a nap and they would come back in an hour and check me but that if I felt any pressure to call her quickly. I looked at my mom and told her I was so numb there was no way I was going to be able to push she said just to rest and everything would be okay. I fell asleep, and mom and Parker fell asleep next to me. Parker's mom and dad and my dad were sleeping in the next room over. It was about 3:25 am on 6.23.15 when for whatever reason I woke myself up, I told my mom it felt weird and wet down there, so her and Parker jumped out of bed and lifted up the covers to see a lot of blood and Beckham laying there. I started bawling and called the nurse in and she calmly cut his cord, called the doctor and cleaned up Beckham a little bit. I was waiting for him to cry, knowing that wasn't going to happen but Parker and I wanted so badly for them to be wrong, maybe they missed something. But there was silence, he wasn't crying, moving nothing, just silence. The only crying I could hear was my own and everyone around me. I couldn't see him yet, I was scared I wasn't ready for it to be that real. Everyone just kept saying how much hair he had, how much he looked like Brody and how cute and perfect he was. While we waited for the doctor to get there to deliver the placenta Parker just held me while I got the courage to hold Beckham for the first time. When I first saw him and held him in my arms I just lost it. He was so perfect, you could just feel his sweet spirit in the room, although physically he was not there you could still feel him. I felt an overwhelming feeling of gratitude that this perfect angel was ours. I have no words to describe the feelings that were felt besides that it was as if I was holding a piece of heaven in my arms. We felt so much peace yet devastation at the same time. We weren't ready to give up that moment and I wanted to freeze time and never move on from that. His little body was so fragile more fragile then a premie baby it made us scared to get him dressed and hold him like a "normal baby". We all couldn't stop staring at him, he was so perfect we just stared at him for hours. The nurse Denise was amazing she gave me a hug and held me while I cried, she told me how beautiful he was and that she is so incredibly sorry. My doctor was also amazing he told me how proud of me he was just so sorry. The hospital and nursing staff kept checking in telling us to take as long as we need and if we needed anything at all to just let them know, they got us flowers and made us feel so loved. They had called a place called lay me down to sleep to come and take pictures for us, they also called share parents of utah to come to castings of his hands and feet, they had another organization who donates wedding dresses and makes blessing outfits out of them that we had him buried in. We couldn't have asked for a better hospital, doctor, or nursing staff then what we had. The doctor told us since they didn't see the delivery and even if we did an autopsy we wouldn't know for guarantee what happened with him. He said that the umbilical cord was extremely long and that because he was transverse, then breach, then head down when I was delivering that he flipped himself and it was a cord accident. He said that my placenta was also detached but that happened afterwards. All of the tests they ran came back normal so it was just all a freak accident. He said with the condition of his skin that his death was recent and that most likely Sunday night or Monday morning is when he passed. I remember feeling a bit relieved. I was so mad at myself for not going in sooner and thought maybe if I did he would still be here. The doctor said it was quick and there was know way of knowing any of that happened. I just was so frustrated my body didn't give me some sort of sign that all of that was happening. The kids came up a few hours later to meet him, I was SO worried on how they would react and feel. Brynnlee and Brody came in and just smiled. Brynn couldn't stop talking about how cute and little his feet, nose and fingers are. She loved all of his black hair and his little overall outfit we had him in. She wanted so badly to hold him, but I had to explain to her that he was too fragile so only mommy, daddy and grandparents could hold him. Brody was really quite he just wanted Parker to hold him and he just sat and watched what was going on. He had a lot harder time with it and understood a lot more then I realized, I think he was just scared. Brynnlee asked if I could please give her a brother and sister that isn't dead because she really wants to hold and take care of one. She also told my dad she understands his spirit is gone but asked why we couldn't just keep his body since we have his room and everything all ready for him. They spent a couple hours with him and the lay me down to sleep volunteer came and took pictures of us before they had to say goodbye and leave. Once they left I knew it was getting close to the time we would have to say goodbye too. The longer we held him the quicker you could see his little body changing. We decided to have the grandparents say goodbye first the we would have some alone time with him. Parker and I just sat and stared and him telling him what we had planned for him and telling him how much we loved him. We talked about all the times we felt him kick and move, the times we saw him on the ultrasound always sucking his thumb. We had a really good hour with him before we had everyone come back in and we had a family prayer before he had to go. Parker asked for him to watch over us and how we cannot wait until we get to be with him again and until then we will try to make him proud, just that we love him so much and will miss him dearly. Then Laura the funeral lady wrapped him in a blanket and carried him out in her arms. I felt like she took a piece of our heart away when she took him from us. They let me stay on the labor and delivery floor so I didn't have to see all the babies on the other floor. My sweet nurse Jordan kept checking on me telling me anything I needed at all to just let her know. I stayed a night there and it was all a blur. The next morning when it was time to leave I felt so numb. We had to leave the hospital without our baby, it was as if the past 24 hours didn't even happen. It was like it was all just a dream, or a bad nightmare.