Saying our final goodbyes

It was Friday and I had been dreading this day all week long, today was the day we had to say our final "goodbyes" and see Beckham for the last time. All week we had been going back and forth if we would see him before the graveside service or not since we had such a good last memory with him at the hospital, but we decided we needed that and hoped it would give us some sort of closure. We pulled up to the mortuary with the kids and our parents and I felt so sick to my stomach I didn't know if I could handle it. We left the kids with our parents and holding hands Parker and I slowly walked up to where Beckham was laying in his casket. We both just lost it, we had so many emotions seeing him there. He looked so good and peaceful, but we just wanted to pick him up and take him home so badly. Seeing our baby laying in his tiny casket was almost too much for both of us to handle, it just wasn't supposed to be this way. I wanted all of the sleepless nights rocking him to sleep in his nursery, or see him open his eyes, and hear him crying, I wanted his brother and sister to be able to hold him and love him like they had been waiting to do for 8 1/2 months. In that moment I was just overcome with the feelings of disappointment and hurt of how many little moments normally we would take for granted, but now we are missing out on. The whole week I felt as if we were living in a nightmare and I would wake up at any moment and none of it would have been real, unfortunately today made it all too real for us.  All week Parker had been listening to the Paul Walker fast and furious tribute song because it gave him a lot of comfort and reminded him of Beckham, so while we were standing there he played that song and we just held each other and stared at our perfect baby. Brynn and Brody both said they wanted to see him, I just wasn't sure how they would handle it and didn't want to scar them from it, but we talked it over and told them both if they were scared at any point to tell us and they could leave. When they saw him they both just smiled and said how cute he looked in the white blessing outfit and blue beanie the hospital gave us. They were so excited to give him his little monkey with the avenger shirt and baseball glove that they picked out. They also got one of the hearts from build a bear and we all kissed it and put that in there too. I was so proud of both of them, yet again they showed me how incredibly brave they are. We tried to memorize every detail about him. I didn't want to forget his long skinny chicken legs, his tiny long feet, how his little hand cupped my finger, his little button nose, tiny ears, and his full head of black hair. I know I have said it so many times, but he was so perfect. Both of us have very strong family genes, so we were so excited to see what he would look like and he was a perfect mix of both of us. He would have grown up to be such a handsome man like his daddy. I had to soak up every minute, standing there all together our family felt so complete I didn't want to lose that feeling. It was getting time to go to the cemetery, so the kids held his little hand told him bye and that they loved him and left the room. Parker and I gave him one last kiss on the forehead and together we closed his casket.