Heartbroken

I woke up feeling empty, I looked down to make sure I was still pregnant and saw my belly and felt relieved. I had just had a dream that I was having Beckham that day and yet I woke up feeling empty. It had been 24 hours now since I felt him move. I hadn't said anything to Parker, I didn't want him to worry, but deep down I knew something was wrong. I dropped the kids off at my moms and wanted to tell her I was worried, but didn't want to worry her either so I kept it to myself. I got to work and hurried and got some juice, muffin, and yogurt in hopes that would wake the little guy up and get him to move, but I got nothing. I finally texted Parker and told him that I was worried because I still haven't felt him kick and he got incredibly worried and told me to go in. I told him I'm sure everything is fine and they would just send me home so that I didn't need to, but he told me that he wouldn't be able to focus at work if I didn't and asked me to do that for him. So I called the nurse and she told me to go straight into labor and delivery and get a non-stress test done. I told my coworker I would be back in a few hours and went in. On the way I called Parker's mom because she had called me earlier and she said that she didn't mean to call, but thought I was calling to tell her I was in labor. I told her I was going to the hospital to get checked out but that everything was probably fine, Parker was just worried so I'm trying to show him everything is fine. My mom then called me and told me she was coming with me, I told her she didn't need to and everything would be fine but that once I got settled in I would call her. I walked into St Marks labor and delivery and checked in and they quickly got me back. The nurse went to put the monitor on me and I was expecting to hear his heartbeat or him to kick the monitor, but didn't hear anything. After about 10 minutes I started to tear up and the nurse said don't panic or cry I'm sure it's just how he is laying, everything is going to be fine lets just get a more experienced nurse in here to try. I told her that he was transverse before and last week he was breech so tried to tell myself that's all it was. The other nurse comes in and same thing after about 5 minutes she calls the doctor out of the O.R. to confirm with an ultrasound. I texted my mom and said mom I think I need you, she asked what's going on and I just told her I needed her and couldn't explain. The doctor comes in with the ultrasound machine and tried so hard to hide it from his face but I could tell what the conclusion was by looking at him. He looked at me after he took a big gulp and said "Natasha,  I'm sorry there is no..", he couldn't even finish the sentence, right then my mom walked in and I lost it, I started sobbing and hyperventilating. I couldn't even grasp what was happening or how this could be happening. We are so happy and so excited to meet him how could he be gone, I carried him for 8 1/2 months and am days away from the "safe zone" how could any of this be happening right now?! I tried to compose myself to tell Parker I needed him to come to the hospital but when I heard him say "hey babe" I completely lost it. I couldn't even get the words out I just started crying. He started crying saying "Tasha are you joking, please tell me your joking, this can't be happening, no everything has to be fine". Again I just cried and couldn't get any words out of my mouth, we just cried on the phone together until he got to the hospital. My parents and his parents were both there at that point and we all just held each other and cried asking why is his happening?! The doctor said he needed to induce me and asked if I wanted to just check in and do it then it go home. I told him I needed to go home and get some things for him first and we needed to tell the kids. As we left the hospital I didn't want to ever go back, I just wanted to run away and not face what was happening. How was I supposed to deliver him knowing he is already gone, I wasn't ready for it to be over yet. We got home got a few things for him and headed to go tell the kids at my aunts house. We pulled up and it reminded me of when I had to tell the kids that Logan passed away. I didn't know what to tell them, I wasn't ready to hurt them like that again. I felt so guilty that this was happening to them, haven't they been through enough? They just didn't deserve any of this. When Brynnlee came outside she knew something was wrong. I told her and Brody that I was going to go to the hospital to have baby Beckham, but that when I do we wouldn't be able to bring him home. I told them that he went to heaven and that he will always be their brother but that we just wouldn't be able to see him like daddy Logan. I asked them if they still wanted to meet him and they both said yes, I told them that when they saw him he would be sleeping and he wouldn't be able to wake up. They both said okay mommy, okay. You could see the disappointment and hurt on their faces. Brynnlee went inside wiped her eyes and said I miss baby Beckham already. I wanted so badly to shield both of them from what was about to happen. My dad and brother gave Parker and I a blessing and then we headed to the hospital.