It is just before 1 a.m. when we are called out to another circle to be told what they found when they got to the bodies. I look around and the ambulance was still in place and all of search and rescue was standing around looking somber, I knew going into this what we were about to be told but I still needed to hear the words or else it wouldn’t ever be real to me. The man says “we made it to the two bodies and we haven’t confirmed the identities but they are both deceased”. I remember my heart getting ripped out of my chest and my stomach dropped to the floor, I turned to my dad and started crying and screaming that I can’t do this and just fell to the ground. I remember hearing yelling behind me because of the hurt we all felt. I just was laying on the dirt sobbing like I never have before. I kept asking why? What am I supposed to tell my kids? I can’t do this , I don’t want to do this! My parents and medics are trying to get me to stand up and go inside the trailer but I don’t want to, I just want to lay there and process everything that has just happened. I remember thinking this happens on TV, this can’t be real, we just don’t deserve this. I was forced to stand up and go inside the trailer but I just sat in a ball on the trailer floor and felt like I was hyperventilating. Kevin (Logan’s dad) was trying to calm me down but I just couldn’t. I remember getting a blessing of comfort and that I would be strong for my kids, my bishop crouched down and told me that I can do this and God wouldn’t have given this trial to me if I couldn’t handle it. I remember being confused and angry of how something like this could happen and why Logan and Chad would do this to us. Logan loved his kids and why wouldn’t he do everything in his power to come back to them, Brynnlee has been through so much already she doesn’t deserve this. I just wanted to see Logan otherwise I just couldn’t believe what I was being told. They would not let me and I was told I need to leave so they can bring the bodies in.
I get put in my mom’s mustang still so confused, my mind immediately turns to Brynnlee how am I going to tell her, I hoped that she wasn’t awake when I got home so I would have time to think about the best way to tell her. We get home and Kristin, Sami and my little brothers are there, I hugged them and could also see the pain in their eyes. Nobody knew what to say, Brody had woken up and I looked at him and was so incredibly grateful he was too young to understand. He knew something was wrong because we all were crying, but he wouldn’t feel the pain that I felt and I was so grateful for that, but I also hurt for him. Logan and Brody were so close that no matter what his age I knew he would realize soon enough. I picture the two of them upstairs in my room the night before blowing their duck calls together and Logan being so proud of him and he adored him. Brody and Logan were so close that sometimes I felt left out and jealous of how much he loved his daddy. Brynnlee and Logan also clicked right away and the day that she was sealed to us you could see in his eyes was one of the happiest days of his life. Both my kids adored their daddy and I began to feel a lot of pressure to step up and be that for them, and worried that just I wouldn’t be good enough. My brother gave me a Nyquil to try to help me sleep because I was emotional and physically exhausted. I finally went to sleep around 3 a.m. but my nightmare of swimming to Logan and finding him black and blue quickly woke me up and made me not want to go to sleep again. I rolled over in my bed to hope that it was all just a dream and wasn’t real when all I felt next to me was an empty pillow. My heart broke all over again, replaying everything that had happened the night before. I just couldn’t understand how in 24 hours, my life and so many others was ruined in such a short amount of time. I just lay in bed not sure what to even do next, I get on facebook and see all the sweet messages and comforting words people wrote and I decide to pour my heart out and tell Logan and Chad everything I have wanted to tell them if I had the chance to tell them goodbye as if they could read it. I knew Brynnlee would be up in a few hours, I prayed for words to tell her for her to be able to understand but not in a way that I cause her anymore pain. Just thinking about what the future was now going to be like made me cry even harder..
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